the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
