well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
