He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
