Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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