I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
