You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
