What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
