i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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