i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
