3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
