I think i peed on brittanys purse
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
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