2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
