90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
