Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
well I can't set my house on fire every night
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
