Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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