walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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