Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
