I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
