i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
