You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
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It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
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I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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