Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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