oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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