he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
