1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
