And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
