only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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