I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
