turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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