Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
