We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
