best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
