Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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