Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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