you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
