Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
