Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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