the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
