I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
