My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
