I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
