Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
