It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
