i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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