walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
