Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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