stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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