I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I skipped work to stalk him.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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