Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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