I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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