We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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