I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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