the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
