I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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