so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
