I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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