I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
