He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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